Where Do I Go From Here?

As I look back on this blog and see that I haven't posted in over three years. Wow have the times changed and boy is this blog about to take a dramatic change. It's almost sad for me to look back on only the five posts that I made and how happy my family was. I never thought that I would be writing these next words and as much as they hurt, I know that I have to do what is best for my girls and myself. I sit here a twenty six year old, with four beautiful children, and I'm alone.... Now some may ask how can you be alone. Well, let me give you a little background....Justin and I moved to Virginia in May of 2011 and we welcomed our third daughter, Clare into the world that July. All was good and we were doing what all families did and then you fast forward to the first week in August of 2013, Justin had just returned from a three month deployment down to Colombia, the girls were excited that they finally had their dad home and back into their daily routine. Six days later my whole life changes... I was siting on the couch 37 weeks pregnant, when Justin let the biggest bombshell off of my entire life. He asked me for a separation. I knew right away it wasn't because he wanted out, but it was that he had been having an affair with a Colombian local. My world came crashing down and continues to crash down around me. Instead of getting ready for my baby to be born in the next few weeks I was dealing with lawyers and upset children.  I ended up having to deliver our fourth daughter by emergency C-Section eight days before my scheduled c-section because she had extremely low fluid and had to be delivered immediately. Justin was not present for the birth and I spend the next two days in a hospital room alone. Just take that in for a moment. Imagine the most amazing time of your life spent alone.

The weeks went by and I was getting our house moved out, as I made the decision to move back in with my parents, back in Oregon. Justin and I tired to be civil for the kids and I thought all was going great, but as I would find out at later dates he's a very good liar. I left Virginia when our youngest daughter was six weeks old. He never thought I would leave and I knew that if I didn't our marriage would, if it was going to heal, heal. All was going well and I thought things were going the right direction until I find out Justin had not stopped having an emotional relationship with the Colombian. I told him then that I was done trying to work it out and he said he would never do it again. Things after then were going as well as they could and he ever came home for Christmas. While home for Christmas I felt like I had my husband back and thing would be able to continue forward. Just a little side note, I am leaving a lot of very personal things out that make the situation worse, but at this time I don't feel like talking about.

Skip to today...I find myself back in the same emotional roller coaster I was in back in August of last year. I sit here alone and hurt and I keep asking myself, where do I go from here? To once again find out Justin has been still talking to this woman is beyond hurtful. I know what I have to do and I keep telling myself, he's not going to change, so why do I keep putting myself in this situation? I've come to the conclusion that during the last six years that I've been a military spouse I've lost who I am. I've become dependent on a man and that man destroyed any trust I had left. I've really never felt so alone and lost. As I sit here in my old room with my five month old; I am angry, sad, and hurt. I never thought that I would have to filing for divorce from my husband of six years.

I've decided to turn this blog into a coping mechanism. At times this blog might get too real for some people, but I cannot hold these feelings in anymore. I hope that in time these blog will go from being angry to uplifting for both myself and my girls, as we start this new chapter in our lives.

"Giving up doesn't mean you are weak...sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

What We've Been Up To

Well, Its been a long time since I've wrote a post and so much has happened. Most everyone knows by now that we are expecting our third bundle of joy and we couldn't be happier. I'm due at the beginning of July and we are suppose to be moving to our new duty station in May, so its going to be a very very busy time for our family. Plus I'm not sure how much I'm going to enjoy being nine months pregnant and on the humid East coast. We are also hoping to find out next week if we are having a boy or a girl. Justin is hoping for a boy so bad and I'm still undecided; I would be happier with either and I'm already very familiar with little girls and have everything.

We had a very interesting Christmas visit with my family and hope that we have a better visit next time. Everyone had the flu and Mia ended up having to go to the ER because she was dehydrated. My poor baby was so sick and was sick for about a week. On top of that and teething it has been what Justin calls the hardest time we've had as parents. We did end up going to Disneyland and Ava had the best time. She kept calling it Mickeyland, it was so cute!

Other then everyone having the flu, we had a great time with my family and was so glad that everyone could come spend the holiday with us.

Other then that we are just looking to what the year has to bring us! I hope everyone had an amazing new years and I will try to update this more.

Potty Training!

Ava has finally decided that she was ready to be potty trained and I'm sooooooo excited. I can't wait to only have one kid in diapers. We have been trying on and off for a couple of months, but we have been successful the last three days. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because she could always decide that she doesn't want to pee or poo in the potty. She has been pretty good about telling me when she has to go and will go fifteen times, if that means she gets candy each time. By the end of the day she's so hyper, but we've had no accidents!

Pumpkin Carving!

Today we finally carved our pumpkins. Ava was beyond excited to finally do it, but once we got started she didn't really want to put her hand in it. She told us that we needed to do it for her because Mary had pooped in it. WOW! Where did that come from?!?!? I must say Ava says the most random, but funniest stuff, always keeps things interesting. Hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween!

Sunday At The Zoo

finally had a nice day today, after two weeks of on and off rain. We decided to spend our morning at the zoo. It was nice and cool out, so most of the animals came up close to their cages. Ava wasn't too thrilled about being at the zoo, but soon warmed up to the idea once she saw some of the animals. For all of you that don't know Ava could spend 99 percent of her time at SeaWorld. So, when she saw that we were going out she automatically assumed we were headed there.

Once we got there Ava was determined to not sit in her stroller and walk the whole thing....which is fine because then she takes a good nap when we get home. She kept asking to see the monkeys and the elephants. After we saw those she was done with being at the zoo. I was able to persuade her into going into the petting zoo.....She was not having that...Ava is very set on her ways and when she's done she's done. Mia on the other hand is the most easy going baby and will just sit in her stroller for hours, but I guess she's only ten months so I shouldn't expect anything different.

All and all we had a great time at the zoo and now Ava is taking a great nap! So I would call that a successful morning!

Welcome to our blog

I am new this whole blogging world, but I thought that I would give it a try. Since we don't live close to our families, we thought that this would be the easiest way for everyone to keep up with out growing family. For all those that are reading this that are not too familiar with what we are up to, I will give you the cliff notes version of our life.

Justin and I met in 2005, while I attended college at Portland Community College. We began dating shortly after meeting. In 2007 Justin decided that he didn't know were he wanted to go with his life and decided that the best thing to do with his life would be to join the Navy; Boy am I glad that he did. We found out that we were having our first daughter weeks after he left for bootcamp.....He had to find out while there and through a letter that he was going to be a dad. I wish that I could have seen his face when he found that out. We found out the following year that our first duty station would be in sunny San Diego. While here Justin has been on two ships three and half deployments, but most of all we have met amazing people. We welcomed our second daughter into the world in December of 2009, while Justin was deployed.....One of the hardest things I've ever done. Are next adventure will start spring of next year when we move to Washington DC.