As I look back on this blog and see that I haven't posted in over three years. Wow have the times changed and boy is this blog about to take a dramatic change. It's almost sad for me to look back on only the five posts that I made and how happy my family was. I never thought that I would be writing these next words and as much as they hurt, I know that I have to do what is best for my girls and myself. I sit here a twenty six year old, with four beautiful children, and I'm alone.... Now some may ask how can you be alone. Well, let me give you a little background....Justin and I moved to Virginia in May of 2011 and we welcomed our third daughter, Clare into the world that July. All was good and we were doing what all families did and then you fast forward to the first week in August of 2013, Justin had just returned from a three month deployment down to Colombia, the girls were excited that they finally had their dad home and back into their daily routine. Six days later my whole life changes... I was siting on the couch 37 weeks pregnant, when Justin let the biggest bombshell off of my entire life. He asked me for a separation. I knew right away it wasn't because he wanted out, but it was that he had been having an affair with a Colombian local. My world came crashing down and continues to crash down around me. Instead of getting ready for my baby to be born in the next few weeks I was dealing with lawyers and upset children. I ended up having to deliver our fourth daughter by emergency C-Section eight days before my scheduled c-section because she had extremely low fluid and had to be delivered immediately. Justin was not present for the birth and I spend the next two days in a hospital room alone. Just take that in for a moment. Imagine the most amazing time of your life spent alone.
The weeks went by and I was getting our house moved out, as I made the decision to move back in with my parents, back in Oregon. Justin and I tired to be civil for the kids and I thought all was going great, but as I would find out at later dates he's a very good liar. I left Virginia when our youngest daughter was six weeks old. He never thought I would leave and I knew that if I didn't our marriage would, if it was going to heal, heal. All was going well and I thought things were going the right direction until I find out Justin had not stopped having an emotional relationship with the Colombian. I told him then that I was done trying to work it out and he said he would never do it again. Things after then were going as well as they could and he ever came home for Christmas. While home for Christmas I felt like I had my husband back and thing would be able to continue forward. Just a little side note, I am leaving a lot of very personal things out that make the situation worse, but at this time I don't feel like talking about.
Skip to today...I find myself back in the same emotional roller coaster I was in back in August of last year. I sit here alone and hurt and I keep asking myself, where do I go from here? To once again find out Justin has been still talking to this woman is beyond hurtful. I know what I have to do and I keep telling myself, he's not going to change, so why do I keep putting myself in this situation? I've come to the conclusion that during the last six years that I've been a military spouse I've lost who I am. I've become dependent on a man and that man destroyed any trust I had left. I've really never felt so alone and lost. As I sit here in my old room with my five month old; I am angry, sad, and hurt. I never thought that I would have to filing for divorce from my husband of six years.
I've decided to turn this blog into a coping mechanism. At times this blog might get too real for some people, but I cannot hold these feelings in anymore. I hope that in time these blog will go from being angry to uplifting for both myself and my girls, as we start this new chapter in our lives.
"Giving up doesn't mean you are weak...sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."
